


Release

by sunbeamsky



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Basically, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Light Angst, they both need a hug and they both get one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28397601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbeamsky/pseuds/sunbeamsky
Summary: “I didn’t mean to yell.”“It’s fine.”“No, Toni. It’s not fine. It’s not fucking fine if I yell at you!” The yelling might have been contradictory but Toni needed the banging of a gong to feel the rise and fall of her chest sometimes. “You stand up to everything but me.”“I don’t need to stand up to you anymore, you don’t do anything to hurt me.”“Then why can’t you trust me?”For the prompt: "Shelby telling Toni it’s okay for her to make the first move sometimes and maybe being insecure that it seems like she’s the only one reaching out for physical contact but Toni just doesn’t want to scare her away."
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 15
Kudos: 580





	Release

**Author's Note:**

> for my lovely anon, hope you like it <3

Shelby reached out—Shelby _always_ reached out. Reached in the empty spaces between curls, between sun freckles, between moments of pure silence with ocean water spinning around them like a vortex. A hand to hold, a cheek to caress, lips to kiss. And Shelby stretched her arms out so far and so wide that she sometimes wondered if she could reach the edge of the earth, the point so deep into space that she lost it all. That maybe Toni would pull back when she pushed forward and they would collapse. 

Sometimes Shelby wished Toni believed in God because it would make everything so much fucking easier. Or maybe harder, in certain ways. 

There was nothing she could do to change the parts of Toni that felt distant and too different, scary and uncertain. Not that she would— _she might_. It was exhilarating being around someone so polar opposite to herself and to her life. Toni was everything Shelby wasn’t. Toni was selfless and reckless without guilt and soft like the underbelly of a cat. She would grin and blush when Shelby ran her fingertips from the tip of her jaw until they locked in a loop behind her ears to keep them both steady as she leaned in for a kiss. 

It was the brightest rainbow Shelby had ever seen and it was sweeter than any candy she could name. It was Toni. It was incredible. 

It was also a bit infuriating. 

Not being Shelby didn’t like it, on the contrary, Shelby cherished every second she spent around Toni. The moments were fleeting at first: stolen kissed behind the trees and midnight whispers beneath the crackling fire and perilous sky. Overtime, as they opened up about their relationships and the days grew colder, the moments slowed to halt and paused the entire universe. Shelby could lay next to Toni, her hand draped over Toni’s waist, and it felt like hours. In some ways it was a comfort, in others a curse. 

Because it always Shelby reaching out. 

Perhaps it was a stupid thing to feel insecure about. And yet, she did. Toni never initiated anything. She never reached first or leaned in for the kiss, not physically nor emotionally. At first, she was simply following Shelby’s lead and it made sense, it was safe, it was everything Shelby needed. But it had been months and Shelby didn’t need that anymore. Not on the island, not with Toni. 

And Toni still hesitated. 

“You know, Toni,” she murmured one evening as they lay sprawled around each other as the sun set off in the distance. They had hidden away in the cave that night to get away from the others, to have some privacy. The girls were cool about everything, all the time, but that didn’t mean they wanted to be around the other every moment of the day. Shelby tightened her grip on Toni to try and pull Toni into her mind. “You can kiss me first.”

Toni tensed, flipped over so she was laying on her belly with more space between them suddenly than there had been in weeks. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wreck the mood…I just,” Shelby trailed off, picking at the grass to distract her hands from reaching out. “I just want you know that you can, if you want to.”

Toni hummed, an indulgent agreement that clearly meant something different to Toni. 

“It’s just that it’s always me, you know? Like I can do it all, if that’s how you want it. I just need to know that you still want it.”

“Want it? Of course I want it, Shelby,” Toni stated surely, meeting Shelby’s gaze with a heavy one of her own. 

“It doesn’t always feel like you do anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

How was Toni not getting it, she had laid it all out quite explicitly. 

“Don’t you ever get this crazy desire,” Shelby began, looking up at the sky so nothing in her peripherals could cloud her fantasies, “to just reach out and hold my hand? Or kiss me in front of everybody. Dive into a bush or something?”

“You want us to dive into a bush.”

“You’re not listening to me,” Shelby reprimanded, shifting her gaze back to Toni who looked far too amused to be paying attention to what Shelby was _feeling_. 

“I’m listening,” Toni said, more softly than before without the flicker of humor her voice normally held. Toni shuffled sand around in her palm and Shelby didn’t understand why she couldn’t just reach out and hold Shelby’s hand instead. 

“I don’t know how to say this without feeling really stupid.”

“Nothing you say sounds stupid.”

 _Warmth. Light. Weight. Heart_. This was still Toni, still the only thing in the world that could ever make her feel so at home in herself and in the world. She sighed and took a moment to process her next words. 

“Before we were together, I always thought that you…” Toni’s eyes narrowed in confusion and intrigue and Shelby paused, not liking the words floating around her head. She needed to be gentler— _why are you so scared to initiate anything?_ “Are you comfortable, like, with us?”

“Of course, I’m comfortable with us. Where is this coming from?” The sand dropped between her fingers and Shelby wanted to hold her hand but it felt like she would stop herself from asking what needed to be addressed. 

“You promise?”

“I swear.”

“And you still want this?”

“Shelby,” Toni whispered, the raspy and musky voice that could set Shelby’s heart on fire if she didn’t tread lightly. 

“I’m serious. If you ever don’t want this, everything will be okay. I don’t want you to feel trapped, or like if you ever need some space that everything will be awkward and it’s a small island and—,”

“Shelby,” Toni interrupted, still keeping her distance but her eyes were wide and full and she looked a bit afraid. The sky was getting darker and Shelby realized suddenly that they had missed the green light. “I want to be with you.”

“Then, baby,” Shelby tried to keep her voice gentle and steady because she felt overwhelmed and somehow already on the verge of tears. Maybe if she started crying then Toni would reach out and wipe her tears away. Or hold back. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re asking me what’s wrong? Shelby, are _you_ okay?”

“Stop deflecting everything I say!”

It was louder and more spiteful than she intended and Toni tensed again, inched back subconsciously. 

“I didn’t mean to yell.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, Toni. It’s not fine. It’s not fucking fine if I yell at you!” The yelling might have been contradictory but Toni needed the banging of a gong to feel the rise and fall of her chest sometimes. “You stand up to everything but me.”

“I don’t need to stand up to you anymore, you don’t do anything to hurt me.”

“Then why can’t you trust me?”

Toni’s jaw didn’t actually drop like a cartoon character’s often would, but Shelby could see her jaw fall inside her cheeks and the spark in her eyes dim. 

“What?”

“Why don’t you trust me, Toni?”

“I trust you.”

“Then come to me,” Shelby cooed, finally letting herself reach out and hold onto her girlfriend. She let her hands graze Toni’s shoulders and dance up her neck to cup her jaw. “Why are you still holding back?”

Toni opened her mouth to say something but just as quickly she closed it and shrugged, her eyes flitting between Shelby’s and the sand below them. 

“Promise me again that you still want this.”

“I promise,” Toni whispered. 

“Then tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what’s going on in here,” she pleaded, letting one hand caress Toni’s forehead. 

“I know how hard it can be,” Toni started and Shelby crept closer to show Toni she was really listening. “The pressure and figuring it all out and the worry and I just…I just want you to be able to let it all go and know that whatever you want, you can have.”

“Toni.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t to, be anybody but yourself. Not with me.”

“And I think I’ve shown you that,” Shelby explained, loving the feeling of Toni’s own hands reaching out to wrap around Shelby, turning them both so they lay on their sides facing each other instead of brushing beside each other. Shelby tugged them closer by the straps of Toni’s top.

“You have. I mean that, I just never want you to feel like you have to do things for me that you don’t want to do.”

“Like what?” Shelby asked, hearing a teasing tone enter her voice, “Hold your hand?”

Toni shrugged. 

“Maybe.”

“I always want to touch you,” Shelby whispered, brushing her hands across Toni’s skin like a paintbrush. “To kiss you.” She pressed her lips on Toni’s cheeks close enough to her lips that they floated closer into each other’s gravity but not close enough to make it stick. “You can come to me first, if you want.”

“I know.”

“I promise, I’ll tell you if there’s something I don’t feel comfortable with.”

“Promise?” Toni asked, eyes hopeful. 

“Only if you’ll do the same.”

“Promise.”

“Good, then I promise too,” Shelby announced proudly, pressing her lips against Toni’s this time. She could feel Toni melting beneath her and she moved her arms from Toni’s neck to her waist to bring them chest to chest. Toni wiggled happily beside her, warm and electric as always. When they parted her cheeks were flooded in pink. “You make me feel safe, Toni. You’re the only person who has ever made me feel this way.”

“You make me feel, uh, safe too.” Her face had gone red and it was so endearing Shelby could almost scream. Instead she buried her head in Toni’s neck and let herself shut her eyes.

“We need to getaway more often.”

“How will be ever find a good sitter for the kids, though?” Toni teased. Shelby chuckled and broke out of Toni’s embrace long enough to kiss her forehead and tug Toni against her chest. Toni nestled against her instantly. 

“We’re good.”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Toni agreed, pressing a feather-kiss against Shelby’s wrist. 

It was small, but it was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://shalifoetoni.tumblr.com) to read more or make a request


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